Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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