so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
