I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
