apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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