I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
