My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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