so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
