you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
