I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
