A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
