You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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