I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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