It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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