Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
