i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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