Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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