its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
