She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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