Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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