I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
