lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
