Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
