Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
