Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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