I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
