Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
