if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
