Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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