Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
