he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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