I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
