So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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