There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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