just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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