you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
