She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
