It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
