I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
