You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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