I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
