sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
