She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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