I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
