Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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