i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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