Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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