And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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