Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
