Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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