Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
